I wonder if this was bound to happen. Before I head out the door, I check the bus schedule. It tells me I have three minutes to get to a stop two blocks away and around the corner. I haven't gotten my shoes on yet, but while I do I envision myself outrunning the bus to the stop. If I were in a more depressed mood, I would have shrugged it off and braced myself for a 20 minute walk to another bus that went the same way, but would be there faster than waiting for this bus to go back through the route again. However for some strange reason I actually deemed this fantasy feasable, and left the flat running. Sure enough the bust was already at the corner I needed to turn before I got to it, but I kept running to the stop. To my misbelief, I actually outran the bus (everyone in this town's complained about it's sluggish pace) and managed to catch it and was on time for evening service. Never has anything I pretended to predict come true until this point.I don't know if it was becaus I was persistent and Gods grace or just God's grace alone, but I finally predetermined an outcome and solely focused on it. Yet I'm hesitant to call it an accomplishment, for good reason. I've hoped and perhaps even prayed a silmilar outcome would happen for the conversations I want to make with people, the ideas I want to present of implement, and the things I create. Yet time and time again, naiveness, inexperience, ineptitude, incoherence, inconsistency, and instability have all gotten in my way (forgot to mention insanity). That is more the main cause of my antisocical nature than any disability I have, this developed fear that it's bound to go horrbily wrong if I imagine it to go another way. I've no gotten better at predicting the more antagonistic responses from my teachers or peers about me or what I say to the point that I feel I needn't say or do them. It's turned me into quite the apatethic layabout.It would be nice if I could have an event such like this turn out for my conversations, drawings, stories, and actions. I've learned however that my imagination alone is not enough, but knowledge and skill have to be executed in order to get anything to happen "your" way. I had the ability and the concentration to outrun the bus. I now admit that I'll never have the IQ nor the eloquence to manipulate a conversation or be able to intellictually handle any debate or disuccion on any topic, or the cooridination and mental orginization to make a good drawing. The fantasy of having millions viewing and admiring my films, comics, literature, tv series, and other narratives will most likely just stay in my head. My papa might disagree; but it's been appraent from all the ideas and ambitions shot down by my teachers, such as becoming a director or any sort of story-controlling artist, that I'll be lucky to even come up with a portfolio likable for a small-name advertising or kid's company! They only have high standards for entry-level creativity. I just can't fit into that mold, dispite my brain being only capable of having the imagination, not the logic, organization, or charisma of Walt Disney (not to mention the money, a lot of my dreams crumble due to that weakness).What can I say? Envisioning doom and gloom is my best talent, if not a most common one.
I have the same problem, envisioning how conversations are going to go, and they never go that way. But that's what makes us individuals, is our different approaches to problems. So we all gotta try to stumble through things a little, man.
Don't let it get you down. Congrats on making it to the bus. :)
These are very powerful words. I'm glad that you were able catch the bus by the way! ha ha. You made a great point in the beginning of this blog about you having a goal, and by deternining to do it, you (by God's grace) were able to accomplish it. Yet, I will have to disagree with you about your conclusion to the matter. We all experience failiure in our lives. This however, does not mean that determination is vain. Sometimes we have the wrong approach and sometimes we can have the wrong timing. We cannot give up at trying just because the possibilities seem to be against us. I've tried at many things and have failed, but then again, I've succeeded at many things as well. We know that nothing we accomplish is entirely of our own strength and effort, of course it's of God. Yet it is man who rolls the dice, but it is God who determines how they fall.
Comments
Don't let it get you down. Congrats on making it to the bus. :)
`R