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Here it is - my project for the first quarter of 2013. I've tried to format it like a script that I would give an artist (though I'm planning on drawing it myself). Critiques are appreciated. I know it has problems that I'm too close to see without help, so I'd really like to hear your thoughts as you come to the story like a reader would.

If you're interested in critiquing the rest of the script, let me know your email address so I can send it to you as I finish each quarter. I'm not planning on putting the rest up on a public forum.

Thanks very much!

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Penance Copper Volume 1 issue 1 Page 1, 5 panels

Panel 1: Establishing shot Exterior of an abandoned building. Second story has a few unbroken windows. Time is about 4:00 am. Light is a dirty yellow glow from a streetlight off panel. Raining. Overall dark, rundown, deserted.

Panel 2: Close up of one unbroken window on the second story, looking inside, slightly down, at a mostly dark room with a faint light coming from the window and spilling across the floor. A teenage girl (Penance) is asleep there, bundled up in rags and blankets, only her face showing. Elements such as light, shadows of crossbars on the window, the grain of the floor, etc. make her face the focus of the panel.

Panel 3: Dream sequence/flashback Dark, shadowed edges of each of these panels, with bright color in the middle. Child's perspective, looking up at a smiling woman of about twenty who has brown hair, green eyes, and a distinctive cross pendant around her neck.

Panel 4: Child's perspective, looking up at the woman, who now seems afraid as she looks away toward a door. Her eyes are wide with fear and her fist is clenched near her throat.

Panel 5: Close up of the woman's hand holding a child's hand. Tense, hasty feeling, white knuckles.
(Notes for beta reader: Silent page. Should I add some narration, or is the imagery enough on its own? Is the setting compelling? Are the events interesting? Is anything wrong with having a dream sequence on the first page?)

PENANCE COPPER V. 1, I. 1. Page 2, 4 panels

Panel 1: Dream sequence with shadowed edges and bright center. Change from child's perspective. Woman lying on the floor in extreme bottom foreground, her face bruised, a thin line of blood from her lip. Bottom of the panel divides her face so that we only see the left side. The chain of the cross pendant is hung up on the material of her shirt so that it is in the center bottom of the panel. In the middle ground, we get to see the child whose perspective we've been following. This is Penance as a little girl, about six years old. She resembles the woman very strongly. She is kneeling behind the woman, crying, her hands clenched near her face, her shoulders hunched. In the background, there is an open door (light source) and the silhouette of a man, standing feet apart, clenched fists at his sides. His fists are smoking.

Woman (faintly): Jesus...save Woman: my baby...

Panel 2: end dream sequence.
Return to present day, Penance asleep on the floor of the building, slightly brighter lighting than previously (the sun is getting closer to rising and the rain has stopped, though drops of water cling to the window glass). The window panes form a cross which frames the scene and throws a shadow across Penance's face. She is asleep, but tense - her fist is clenched near her face and her brow is furrowed. The set of her mouth is grim.

Panel 3: Composition to echo Panel 1, with Penance taking the place of the woman on the floor, lying on her side with the left side of her face visible in the extreme foreground. Bright light from an open door behind her, silhouetting a man in the background, same stance as previous except his hands aren't smoking.

Panel 4: Extreme close up of the left side of Penance's face, still lying down, but her eye is wide open in fear. The man's hand is tugging on a strand of her hair - a thin line of smoke arises from the contact.

Man (Acid)op: Get up. You have a date with Justice.

(Notes for beta reader: Is the action clear and interesting? Are the characters interesting? Do you care about Penance?)

PENANCE COPPER V. 1, I. 1 Page 3, 5 panels Scene Change - alien planet.
Panel 1: Establishing shot. A huge oblong screen showing what is obviously Earth from space dominates the panel, bathing the scene in blue-green light and silhouettes two men who are facing it. One has an average size and build, and the other is about two heads taller and has more muscular bulk. Both are wearing military uniforms which incorporate body armor (subtly evident in the crisp outlines of the silhouettes and a bit of padding). The bigger man has a confident stance and is jabbing his finger at the screen. The other man is standing at a podium with lighted controls. Note that the podium is designed for his height, not the big guy's. On this world and Earth, the big guy is just about freakishly huge. In the background, behind the screen, the indirect lighting is reddish-orange, coming in through round windows with diagonal crossbars. This is because the sun on this planet is older and reddish, and there's usually a power shortage going on, so if someone is running an enormous monitor, the overhead lights are off.

Big soldier (Kail): <This one. It fits all the parameters.>

Average soldier (Deyn): <Except it isn't your territory.>

Kail: <It's unclaimed.>

Panel 2: Close-up of the screen, which is now zoomed in on Earth and providing a pretty close satellite picture of a major city.

Deyn (op): <Except by the people who live there.>

Kail: (op): <So? Every planet worth claiming has natives. These are even like us. That should make my job simpler.

Panel 3: The men's faces from the perspective of the screen. Blue lighting, harsh shadows. I'd rather this not give the impression that their skin is blue, though. Possibly evident that they are fairly young men. Kail smiling slightly at the screen, hands planted on hips. Deyn is facing the screen, arms crossed, rubbing his chin with one hand.  His eyes are on Kail and one eyebrow is cocked. 

Deyn : <Why not keep your head down and survive the rest of your term?>

Kail: <That's no way to earn a commission.>

Deyn:<You /have/ a commission.>

Panel 4: Mid-range close-up. Silhouette profiles of the men facing each other, blue-green in the background. This culture has more personal space than American culture, so kind of far apart by our standards.

Kail: <A better one. With retirement, house,...>

Kail:<A bloodline...>

Deyn: <You /are/ ambitious.>

Panel 5:Overhead shot. Men in front of screen, don't forget the lighted podium. Kail is turned away from the screen to walk away. Show shadows stretched out from the men.
Deyn: <It's risky.>

Kail: <I'm prepared to kill the Justice if I have to. He is unofficial still - no one in the universal charter will care.>

(Notes: any questions about what's going on? Better ideas to establish this scene on an alien planet? What's your opinion of Kail and Deyn? I don't want to demonize these guys. These are two soldiers figuring out how to get a job done while simultaneously advancing their own careers. They aren't evil, just self-interested.)

PENANCE COPPER V. 1, I. 1 Page 4, 6 panels Panel 1: Scene Change

Back to the dingy room where Penance has just woken up. This scene is from the lighted doorway Acid came through. Facing the door and clearly shown in the light, Penance is sitting on the blankets she was wrapped in before, combing her hair with her fingers and beginning to twist it into a braid. Acid is behind her, looking out the window, a paper bag in his hand.
Penance: /The/ Justice?

Panel 2 Close up of Acid looking through the window, scowling. His eyes look feverish. The inside of his elbow has a dark blotch, which he touches lightly with his other hand. Penance sitting on the floor in the background.

Acid: It's paid for.

Panel 3 A wrapped fast food biscuit smacks to the floor in front of Penance, who has finished braiding her hair to hang in front of her left shoulder.

Sfx: smak
Panel 4 Penance peers at the biscuit suspiciously.
Penance: I'm taking down The Justice?
Panel 5 Close-up. Acid grabs Penance by the front of her shirt, screaming in her face. The material of the shirt smokes in his grasp. Her expression is terrified, her hands are up, fingers splayed in a supplicating gesture.

Acid: /I said it's paid for!/

Panel 6 Foreground: Acid has dropped Penance and is turning away. He is shadowed. Penance, in the light from the doorway, is huddled on the floor, her hand on the front of her shirt checking for holes. The partially unwrapped biscuit is on the floor, squashed a bit.

Acid: You were /made/ for this.

Page 5, 6 panels

Panel 1: Penance outside the building at the alley entrance, leaning against the doorframe in the early morning light, eating her biscuit. She's wearing baggy jeans and a gray hoodie. A hopeful alley cat approaches. The door is open, inside is dark.

Acid (OP from inside doorway): ...cut through his force field like a plasma torch.

Panel 2: Close up of Penance, eyes wide and eyebrows drawn together, looking toward the doorway.  She hasn't had more than a couple of bites of the biscuit.

Acid (OP): /Bonus/ if you kill him.
Panel 3: Overhead shot, slightly tilted, of Penance still leaning against the doorframe, staring at her biscuit. The door is now closed. The cat is close to her feet now. Penance (thought): Way to make me lose my appetite.
Cat: mrow?

PANEL 4: Close up of the cat purring against Penance's legs. Penance's hand is in frame reaching down with the biscuit.
PENANCE: Don't make friends with me, cat...

Sfx: Purrrr

Panel 5: Close up of the alley cat tearing into the biscuit.

Penance (thought) OP: ...it never ends well.

Sfx: rummmbblle

Panel 6: Penance's back as she walks out of the alley, the fingers of her right hand visible clutching her other arm. At the end of the alley, a guy waits on a black motorcycle. He's older than she is, mid-twenties, white, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, dark sunglasses, a bandanna on his head.
Biker: Excited about the audition?

Penance: Something like that.

SFX: RUMMMBBLLE

Page 6, 4 panels

Panel 1: Penance on motorcycle behind Biker Guy, riding past grungy alleys and abandoned storefronts. Biker Guy is grinning, confident, casual. Penance is tense, casting a look up to the roofs of the buildings as they go by.

Biker: Don't be nervous. I take a lot of girls in. You'll be a natural.

Penance (thought or caption?) A lot of girls, huh? Hasn't noticed he's been getting followed lately, too. No wonder he's on /this/ run.

Panel 2: Wide shot looking up at the roofs of the buildings. The head and shoulders of a man are silhouetted against the early dawn sky. Sunlight glints from his binoculars.

Caption: There he is.

Caption: Watching for the next girl taken for the /trade/...

Panel 3: Close-up of the silhouetted man from the previous panel, still looking through binoculars. (Possibly with a reflection of Pen and Biker Guy zooming by on the motorcycle in the lenses)

Caption: /Justice/.

Panel 4: Penance shoving against Biker Guy, leaning back like she's going to throw herself off the bike. Biker Guy looks very alarmed and is wrestling the handlebars straight again.

Caption: Now to get him to come down.

Penance: NO!

Penance: I don't want to go! Let me off!