Nighthawk #1 Script

As a fan and an amateur artist, there are several things I like about your script: The dialogue is crisp the characters are interesting. Your script reflects a practice style.

3 page prologue is a nice start, but Nighthawk needs to get something out of the conflict besides a dead stooge. Either Barock needs to reveal info to her in a fit of overconfidence or she needs to get some bit of sought after info off of his body, otherwise she doesn't profit from his death.

Main story: flows smoothly, maintains interest. Continue to develop hers and her assistant's personalities with small personal tidbits in the dialogue, you want us to care about them. I hope the 1:38am ETD was a joke, unless there was a witness to the killing. The estimate of height and weight was explained nicely, distance between shoe prints can allow police to estimate height and leg-length. Shoe wear patterns can be as distinct as finger prints for identifying a serial killer.

According to several Villain training books and a Mafia Union manual, a kingpin shouldn't be doing his own killing. If Deal Maker is a long term crime boss, he will be more threatening if you keep him in the shadows for a while and let Nighthawk wrestle with his sub-bosses.

These are just my quick thoughts, please disagree or use them as you see fit.

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Comments

Kevin D. Lintz October 8, 2014 at 8:58am

I just emailed you my critique
Mike Alvarez September 16, 2014 at 7:27pm

WOW! Thanks so much for the advice!

I love the advice about Barook! I didn't think about that and it's super helpful.

I appreciate the ETD comment, as I read it over it wasn't really explained how he knew.

Also, The Deal-Maker will end up not being the top dog. So I think I will keep him where he was at. But I appreciate, again, the details about crime bosses. I knew that a little but that was very helpful.

Also the Deal-Maker's compulsion to make deals is just like the Riddler's compulsion to make riddles.
Brien Sparling September 16, 2014 at 7:17pm

As a fan and an amateur artist, there are several things I like about your script: The dialogue is crisp the characters are interesting. Your script reflects a practice style.

3 page prologue is a nice start, but Nighthawk needs to get something out of the conflict besides a dead stooge. Either Barock needs to reveal info to her in a fit of overconfidence or she needs to get some bit of sought after info off of his body, otherwise she doesn't profit from his death.

Main story: flows smoothly, maintains interest. Continue to develop hers and her assistant's personalities with small personal tidbits in the dialogue, you want us to care about them. I hope the 1:38am ETD was a joke, unless there was a witness to the killing. The estimate of height and weight was explained nicely, distance between shoe prints can allow police to estimate height and leg-length. Shoe wear patterns can be as distinct as finger prints for identifying a serial killer.

According to several Villain training books and a Mafia Union manual, a kingpin shouldn't be doing his own killing. If Deal Maker is a long term crime boss, he will be more threatening if you keep him in the shadows for a while and let Nighthawk wrestle with his sub-bosses.

These are just my quick thoughts, please disagree or use them as you see fit.

This reply was deleted.