I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that they've never been driven by looks). Should they end up together in the end? Should it show them getting married/engaged? I think this is an important plot point because of how asexuals who experience romantic attraction seem to be glossed over in the church, but how do I do so respectfully AND in a God-honoring way? (Yes, the couple is a man and a woman)
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I think weather they get engaged or married is up to you and what you are trying to show through this story and their relationship. But here are some things to consider that might help:
Asexuals (or aces) are not super common. Many would greatly appreciate a single asexual friend who could relate to the experience of living without sexual attraction. For romantic aces, an asexual-asexual pairing is a dream come true, but the likelihood of them finding another ace who they would be interested in dating is pretty low, as there just aren't a lot of aces to choose from. The difficultly is further multiplied for Christian aces (around 80% of asexuals identify as atheist or agnostic). Because of the relative rarity of asexuals in the world, most who choose to marry will wed a non-asexual partner. Your characters will likely place extra value on their relationship because of this. Consequently, the thought of a break up would probably be extra painful. I wouldn't be surprised if they would have trouble giving each other up even if the relationship obviously wasn't working. But all that depends on who they are.
Lastly, Christian asexuals thinking about marriage may have some unique concerns. They might struggle with teachings concerning becoming "one flesh," as this might imply to them that consummation is necessary to legitimize the relationship. Verses such as 1 Corinthians 7:5 might also be troubling because it is hard for them to know what "do not deprive each other" means. After all, they do not feel deprived or tempted if they are not having sex, since they don't have any natural instinct to have it in the first place. But they may feel that verses like this suggest that they are expected or required to have it, but having it can distress an asexual pair.
In the end, it is what they believe about God, as well as their own hopes and dreams, that will influence what decision they finally make.
How to handle an asexual couple
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that t…
I think weather they get engaged or married is up to you and what you are trying to show through this story and their relationship. But here are some things to consider that might help:
Asexuals (or aces) are not super common. Many would greatly appreciate a single asexual friend who could relate to the experience of living without sexual attraction. For romantic aces, an asexual-asexual pairing is a dream come true, but the likelihood of them finding another ace who they would be interested in dating is pretty low, as there just aren't a lot of aces to choose from. The difficultly is further multiplied for Christian aces (around 80% of asexuals identify as atheist or agnostic). Because of the relative rarity of asexuals in the world, most who choose to marry will wed a non-asexual partner. Your characters will likely place extra value on their relationship because of this. Consequently, the thought of a break up would probably be extra painful. I wouldn't be surprised if they would have trouble giving each other up even if the relationship obviously wasn't working. But all that depends on who they are.
Lastly, Christian asexuals thinking about marriage may have some unique concerns. They might struggle with teachings concerning becoming "one flesh," as this might imply to them that consummation is necessary to legitimize the relationship. Verses such as 1 Corinthians 7:5 might also be troubling because it is hard for them to know what "do not deprive each other" means. After all, they do not feel deprived or tempted if they are not having sex, since they don't have any natural instinct to have it in the first place. But they may feel that verses like this suggest that they are expected or required to have it, but having it can distress an asexual pair.
In the end, it is what they believe about God, as well as their own hopes and dreams, that will influence what decision they finally make.
Thanks! But my big question is: should it should it show them getting engaged/married in the end, or should I leave that to the reader's imagination?
Sven Jacobs said:
I think by romance Adams means being wooed, candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, staring longingly into someone's eyes, etc. Asexuals, as the literature relates, can value such interactions even without wanting some sweaty hot sex action afterwards. I think a lot of people can.
How to handle an asexual couple
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that t…
I think by romance Adams means being wooed, candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, staring longingly into someone's eyes, etc. Asexuals, as the literature relates, can value such interactions even without wanting some sweaty hot sex action afterwards. I think a lot of people can.
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that they've never been driven by looks). Should they end up together in the end? Should it show them getting married/engaged? I think this is an important plot point because of how asexuals who experience romantic attraction seem to be glossed over in the church, but how do I do so respectfully AND in a God-honoring way? (Yes, the couple is a man and a woman)
KG,
The ancient Greeks used three different words to describe attitudes that we cover with one word: Love. Agape is the selfless and self-sacrificing, Christ-like love; Philios is the brotherly or sisterly love between those who share and trust deeply; and Eros is the physical attraction that creates a focus, a desire for intimacy, physical affection and romance from the other. The three loves have no rigid borders, but ‘Romance’ is generally under the domain of Eros, and so could not be expressed by someone who is truly ‘asexual.’
Various mystery writers have enjoyed creating a protagonist who experiences little sexual attraction (Dr.Brenner in CSI series Bones,or Sherlock Holmes for example) but the character still has enough awareness of Eros to use it when they need to. A true asexual would appear socially clumsy to humans (Dr. Spock or Data from Star Trek); is this what you want?
Each kind of love enhances and strengthens the other two; for example you might be more inclined to become intimate…or self-sacrificing with someone you already Phileo, have come to trust deeply. It’s not unusual in a crime or adventure series for a male-female crime fighting duo to become more intimate as they learn to trust each other’s abilities. Or they may never become intimate; for example in the fantasy series Eragon where the central couple go through a thousand page of adventures, with loads of ‘romantic tension’, yet never commit to each other by the end of the book.
In Christ’s Agape love,
BRS
How to handle an asexual couple
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that t…
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that they've never been driven by looks). Should they end up together in the end? Should it show them getting married/engaged? I think this is an important plot point because of how asexuals who experience romantic attraction seem to be glossed over in the church, but how do I do so respectfully AND in a God-honoring way? (Yes, the couple is a man and a woman)
KG,
The ancient Greeks used three different words to describe attitudes that we cover with one word: Love. Agape is the selfless and self-sacrificing, Christ-like love; Philios is the brotherly or sisterly love between those who share and trust deeply; and Eros is the physical attraction that creates a focus, a desire for intimacy, physical affection and romance from the other. The three loves have no rigid borders, but ‘Romance’ is generally under the domain of Eros, and so could not be expressed by someone who is truly ‘asexual.’
Various mystery writers have enjoyed creating a protagonist who experiences little sexual attraction (Dr.Brenner in CSI series Bones,or Sherlock Holmes for example) but the character still has enough awareness of Eros to use it when they need to. A true asexual would appear socially clumsy to humans (Dr. Spock or Data from Star Trek); is this what you want?
Each kind of love enhances and strengthens the other two; for example you might be more inclined to become intimate…or self-sacrificing with someone you already Phileo, have come to trust deeply. It’s not unusual in a crime or adventure series for a male-female crime fighting duo to become more intimate as they learn to trust each other’s abilities. Or they may never become intimate; for example in the fantasy series Eragon where the central couple go through a thousand page of adventures, with loads of ‘romantic tension’, yet never commit to each other by the end of the book.
Replies
Ryan said:
I think weather they get engaged or married is up to you and what you are trying to show through this story and their relationship. But here are some things to consider that might help:
Asexuals (or aces) are not super common. Many would greatly appreciate a single asexual friend who could relate to the experience of living without sexual attraction. For romantic aces, an asexual-asexual pairing is a dream come true, but the likelihood of them finding another ace who they would be interested in dating is pretty low, as there just aren't a lot of aces to choose from. The difficultly is further multiplied for Christian aces (around 80% of asexuals identify as atheist or agnostic). Because of the relative rarity of asexuals in the world, most who choose to marry will wed a non-asexual partner. Your characters will likely place extra value on their relationship because of this. Consequently, the thought of a break up would probably be extra painful. I wouldn't be surprised if they would have trouble giving each other up even if the relationship obviously wasn't working. But all that depends on who they are.
Lastly, Christian asexuals thinking about marriage may have some unique concerns. They might struggle with teachings concerning becoming "one flesh," as this might imply to them that consummation is necessary to legitimize the relationship. Verses such as 1 Corinthians 7:5 might also be troubling because it is hard for them to know what "do not deprive each other" means. After all, they do not feel deprived or tempted if they are not having sex, since they don't have any natural instinct to have it in the first place. But they may feel that verses like this suggest that they are expected or required to have it, but having it can distress an asexual pair.
In the end, it is what they believe about God, as well as their own hopes and dreams, that will influence what decision they finally make.
Thanks! But my big question is: should it should it show them getting engaged/married in the end, or should I leave that to the reader's imagination?
Sven Jacobs said:
I think by romance Adams means being wooed, candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, staring longingly into someone's eyes, etc. Asexuals, as the literature relates, can value such interactions even without wanting some sweaty hot sex action afterwards. I think a lot of people can.
Brien Sparling said:
I was just wondering: how do I handle the relationship between an asexual couple in a story (their sexual orientation won't be mentioned, just that they've never been driven by looks). Should they end up together in the end? Should it show them getting married/engaged? I think this is an important plot point because of how asexuals who experience romantic attraction seem to be glossed over in the church, but how do I do so respectfully AND in a God-honoring way? (Yes, the couple is a man and a woman)
KG,
The ancient Greeks used three different words to describe attitudes that we cover with one word: Love. Agape is the selfless and self-sacrificing, Christ-like love; Philios is the brotherly or sisterly love between those who share and trust deeply; and Eros is the physical attraction that creates a focus, a desire for intimacy, physical affection and romance from the other. The three loves have no rigid borders, but ‘Romance’ is generally under the domain of Eros, and so could not be expressed by someone who is truly ‘asexual.’
Various mystery writers have enjoyed creating a protagonist who experiences little sexual attraction (Dr.Brenner in CSI series Bones,or Sherlock Holmes for example) but the character still has enough awareness of Eros to use it when they need to. A true asexual would appear socially clumsy to humans (Dr. Spock or Data from Star Trek); is this what you want?
Each kind of love enhances and strengthens the other two; for example you might be more inclined to become intimate…or self-sacrificing with someone you already Phileo, have come to trust deeply. It’s not unusual in a crime or adventure series for a male-female crime fighting duo to become more intimate as they learn to trust each other’s abilities. Or they may never become intimate; for example in the fantasy series Eragon where the central couple go through a thousand page of adventures, with loads of ‘romantic tension’, yet never commit to each other by the end of the book.
In Christ’s Agape love,
BRS